ATLANTA'S ORIGINAL IDIOT-FREE ZONE
When we decided to open a bar, our ultimate goal was to have fun at work every day. That’s why we declared The Vortex an official “Idiot-Free Zone” from the very beginning. After all, how could we have fun if we were surrounded by idiots? So we posted “Stuff You Really Need To Know” on our menu, and got into the habit of throwing all the idiots out. Our House Rules are really just based on common sense, but enforcing them over the years has made The Vortex both a great place to work, and a great place to hang out.
We have always strived to foster an attitude of mutual respect at The Vortex, and if you really understand our House Rules, our “Idiot-Free Zone” policy should not make you nervous. After all, we are certain that YOU know how to behave properly when you’re out on the town. We’re all about having fun at The Vortex, so it takes some seriously idiotic behavior to get your ass tossed out, but If you’re not exactly sure what kind of behavior that might be, we’ve compiled a few examples below. If you see any similarities to yourself in any of these descriptions, maybe The Vortex isn’t the place for you.
AMATEURS
Sometimes it’s good to be bad. We get it, and we’re always happy to help. We whole-heartedly support imbibing in a cocktail or two, especially if it helps you cut loose and unwind, even if you do get a little silly. That’s just good clean fun. Unfortunately, some people have never learned how to enjoy alcohol responsibly. These same people can’t seem to make the distinction between a public bar and their dingy apartment or frat house. The more alcohol they consume, the bigger knuckle-heads they become. We refer to these people as “Amateurs.” Once they are adequately primed, they inevitably start to annoy our other patrons with their obnoxious behavior. They often steal or vandalize our property, and 9 times out of 10, they end up puking somewhere unfortunate. Why can’t they ever find the damned toilet? Fortunately for them, there are many other bars in Atlanta that cater to Amateurs, almost exclusively. We are always happy to point these idiots in the right direction as we kick them out the door.
TIGHT-ASSES
Some people think everything that exists in the world should revolve around them and their narrow view of life. They just can’t accept the fact that any place they don’t personally appreciate could ever be popular or successful. Given the opportunity, these pinched-up petty tyrants, would happily use the coercive power of government to force their beliefs on you. That’s right, they know what’s best for everybody. We refer to these people as “Tight-Asses.” This personality type tends to be easily offended, and even more easily pissed-off. So when they visit The Vortex, they just can’t help but be offended by something. And you know the crazy part? They actually believe we should change our business to satisfy them. What they need to understand is, we don’t care if our business offends them. In fact, we hope they tell all their stupid, tight-assed little friends how offensive The Vortex is, because we don’t want those idiots coming in and spoiling our fun either.
DOUCHEBAGS
“Douchebag” is generally a term reserved for a certain type of man. And whether he’s flexing in a skin-tight T, popping the collar of his Ed Hardy shirt, or teasing you with his shaved pecks in a deep V-neck, just understand that the variations of his douchey-style are only equalled by the number of his psychological disorders. The only thing more repellent than his fashion sense, is his self-absorbed behavior. Often traveling in packs, these potential date-rapists invariably mistake any attention as sexual attraction. They’ll often invade a women’s personal space with a hip thrust to the beat of the music. Other classic moves include the ever-popular fist pump, high-five and random, hooting dog noises. Ever on the prowl to feed his frail ego, he’s got an unquenchable desire to be the alpha male. This often makes him a bully. Don’t step on his shoes. Don’t jostle his drink. Don’t ever make eye contact, because it doesn’t take much to set this idiot off. It also doesn’t usually take long for his behavior to get him into trouble at The Vortex. Oh boy, you made the new 18-year old waitress cry. Aren’t you a big stud? Time to go, Douchebag.
MOOCHERS
If we ever make a legitimate mistake with any aspect of a customer’s dining experience, we will always do whatever it takes to correct the problem. Our good patrons understand this. But there are certain parasites in society that view this situation as an opportunity to demand something for nothing. They’ve practically turned it into a lifestyle. We refer to these people as “Moochers.” Since we are not in business to appease scumbags, these low-life con-artists really need to take their demands elsewhere. We suggest one of those multi-national corporate chain restaurants, because those places seem to love dealing with that kind of bullshit. In fact we blame the big chains for increasing the number of Moochers in the world, due to their constant pandering to the lowest common denominator. You want scumbags for customers? They’re all yours, T.G. Shananigans. You can keep ‘em, because we sure as hell don’t want these idiots in The Vortex.
WHINERS
At The Vortex, we simply do what we do. We’ve tried to make it very clear that our establishment might not be considered politically correct, but enough people appreciate it to have kept us in business since 1992. We don’t mind hearing constructive criticism from customers that understand our concept. But there is a big difference between people who offer legitimate suggestions and people who are simply cry-babys. Just stop and listen to yourself. If you’re whining about our basic business model, we really don’t care what you have to say. We are sorry if you are offended by the tattooed bikers at the bar, or if you think the music is too loud, or if you think it’s just terrible that we allow smoking, but if you don’t like what we do, then go somewhere else. And if you really need to have total control over your environment, then you really need to stay home, because nobody likes a Whiner.
We have always strived to foster an attitude of mutual respect at The Vortex, and if you really understand our House Rules, our “Idiot-Free Zone” policy should not make you nervous. After all, we are certain that YOU know how to behave properly when you’re out on the town. We’re all about having fun at The Vortex, so it takes some seriously idiotic behavior to get your ass tossed out, but If you’re not exactly sure what kind of behavior that might be, we’ve compiled a few examples below. If you see any similarities to yourself in any of these descriptions, maybe The Vortex isn’t the place for you.
AMATEURS
Sometimes it’s good to be bad. We get it, and we’re always happy to help. We whole-heartedly support imbibing in a cocktail or two, especially if it helps you cut loose and unwind, even if you do get a little silly. That’s just good clean fun. Unfortunately, some people have never learned how to enjoy alcohol responsibly. These same people can’t seem to make the distinction between a public bar and their dingy apartment or frat house. The more alcohol they consume, the bigger knuckle-heads they become. We refer to these people as “Amateurs.” Once they are adequately primed, they inevitably start to annoy our other patrons with their obnoxious behavior. They often steal or vandalize our property, and 9 times out of 10, they end up puking somewhere unfortunate. Why can’t they ever find the damned toilet? Fortunately for them, there are many other bars in Atlanta that cater to Amateurs, almost exclusively. We are always happy to point these idiots in the right direction as we kick them out the door.
TIGHT-ASSES
Some people think everything that exists in the world should revolve around them and their narrow view of life. They just can’t accept the fact that any place they don’t personally appreciate could ever be popular or successful. Given the opportunity, these pinched-up petty tyrants, would happily use the coercive power of government to force their beliefs on you. That’s right, they know what’s best for everybody. We refer to these people as “Tight-Asses.” This personality type tends to be easily offended, and even more easily pissed-off. So when they visit The Vortex, they just can’t help but be offended by something. And you know the crazy part? They actually believe we should change our business to satisfy them. What they need to understand is, we don’t care if our business offends them. In fact, we hope they tell all their stupid, tight-assed little friends how offensive The Vortex is, because we don’t want those idiots coming in and spoiling our fun either.
DOUCHEBAGS
“Douchebag” is generally a term reserved for a certain type of man. And whether he’s flexing in a skin-tight T, popping the collar of his Ed Hardy shirt, or teasing you with his shaved pecks in a deep V-neck, just understand that the variations of his douchey-style are only equalled by the number of his psychological disorders. The only thing more repellent than his fashion sense, is his self-absorbed behavior. Often traveling in packs, these potential date-rapists invariably mistake any attention as sexual attraction. They’ll often invade a women’s personal space with a hip thrust to the beat of the music. Other classic moves include the ever-popular fist pump, high-five and random, hooting dog noises. Ever on the prowl to feed his frail ego, he’s got an unquenchable desire to be the alpha male. This often makes him a bully. Don’t step on his shoes. Don’t jostle his drink. Don’t ever make eye contact, because it doesn’t take much to set this idiot off. It also doesn’t usually take long for his behavior to get him into trouble at The Vortex. Oh boy, you made the new 18-year old waitress cry. Aren’t you a big stud? Time to go, Douchebag.
MOOCHERS
If we ever make a legitimate mistake with any aspect of a customer’s dining experience, we will always do whatever it takes to correct the problem. Our good patrons understand this. But there are certain parasites in society that view this situation as an opportunity to demand something for nothing. They’ve practically turned it into a lifestyle. We refer to these people as “Moochers.” Since we are not in business to appease scumbags, these low-life con-artists really need to take their demands elsewhere. We suggest one of those multi-national corporate chain restaurants, because those places seem to love dealing with that kind of bullshit. In fact we blame the big chains for increasing the number of Moochers in the world, due to their constant pandering to the lowest common denominator. You want scumbags for customers? They’re all yours, T.G. Shananigans. You can keep ‘em, because we sure as hell don’t want these idiots in The Vortex.
WHINERS
At The Vortex, we simply do what we do. We’ve tried to make it very clear that our establishment might not be considered politically correct, but enough people appreciate it to have kept us in business since 1992. We don’t mind hearing constructive criticism from customers that understand our concept. But there is a big difference between people who offer legitimate suggestions and people who are simply cry-babys. Just stop and listen to yourself. If you’re whining about our basic business model, we really don’t care what you have to say. We are sorry if you are offended by the tattooed bikers at the bar, or if you think the music is too loud, or if you think it’s just terrible that we allow smoking, but if you don’t like what we do, then go somewhere else. And if you really need to have total control over your environment, then you really need to stay home, because nobody likes a Whiner.